Its rare that I find myself without something fly or crazy to say but lately I just can't seem to find the words because I've found myself at the point where things just have me in disbelief. Have you ever been there where your words and your thoughts jus aint makin ends meet? What do I say how do I say it? Its kinda like when you've had it up to there and you just can't take it anymore or when that guy that makes you smile with every word that comes from his imagination to describe you, or when that guy that you're just fed up with letting him get away with things that you'd be damned if anyone else did that to you. I hope you can understand that feeling because its unlike anything you've ever felt. Its not like the world is passing you by its like you're watching the world and strategically mapping out what your next move will be. That's where I'm at.
I think I'm waiting on God to tell me which way to go next and all the while building up strength and faith. Its a warning to those that think they have the kryptonite to set me up for failure and a chance to witness something majestic to all those who know the things that I can accomplish. I'm not sad, mad, nor happy really I'm just watching and waiting for the sign I need to know where I'm supposed to go.
Short and Sweet. Be Blessed.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Fast Foward Friday
Mannn has it been a week already!?!?!?!
Ok on this edition of fast forward friday ALOT of big decisions to be made. The week started with me questioning whether I have made the right decision to step back and try again. Sometimes when you go for things the second time around it's just not the same as it used to be and you realize there was a reason the you left that path to start on a new one. I just need to get that excited feeling again, that undeniable flutter that let's you know this is a good thing. Right now I'm just not there.
Then with grad school almost over it's time to start thinking what next. My eyes are set on Georgia State for my doc program so the reality is that I may not be in Texas much longer. That's a hard one for me, I have no family there no friends...I mean I'm sure I'll meet up with lots of Sorors and Frat and then I'll be fine but like I said before it's been me and my mommy against the world, how can I leave her now??? Then again she'd be the one telling me to go...lol and she'd probably wanna come with. This is a decision that I definitely get that excitement about, it's a whole new journey and I'm ready.
My week ended on not such a high note. I usually consider myself a very responsible person, but I may have gotten in over my head on this one. There's nothing I can do at this point to change the decision that I made so it's at this time that I find myself recovering and putting small pieces back together. That sense of immediate gratification came back like a boomerang and now I'm wrestling with whether or not to throw it back out there. Hmmm we'll see what happens.
LESSON LEARNED: Sometimes GOD is trying to tear apart the very things that we keep trying to hold together.
FAST FORWARD: Next week will be busy as usual...still haven't done that paper I was telling you about lol but I'll get it done but we also get to go on a field trip so I'm excited about that. Then the weekend brings my bestie's bday fun!!!
Ok on this edition of fast forward friday ALOT of big decisions to be made. The week started with me questioning whether I have made the right decision to step back and try again. Sometimes when you go for things the second time around it's just not the same as it used to be and you realize there was a reason the you left that path to start on a new one. I just need to get that excited feeling again, that undeniable flutter that let's you know this is a good thing. Right now I'm just not there.
Then with grad school almost over it's time to start thinking what next. My eyes are set on Georgia State for my doc program so the reality is that I may not be in Texas much longer. That's a hard one for me, I have no family there no friends...I mean I'm sure I'll meet up with lots of Sorors and Frat and then I'll be fine but like I said before it's been me and my mommy against the world, how can I leave her now??? Then again she'd be the one telling me to go...lol and she'd probably wanna come with. This is a decision that I definitely get that excitement about, it's a whole new journey and I'm ready.
My week ended on not such a high note. I usually consider myself a very responsible person, but I may have gotten in over my head on this one. There's nothing I can do at this point to change the decision that I made so it's at this time that I find myself recovering and putting small pieces back together. That sense of immediate gratification came back like a boomerang and now I'm wrestling with whether or not to throw it back out there. Hmmm we'll see what happens.
LESSON LEARNED: Sometimes GOD is trying to tear apart the very things that we keep trying to hold together.
FAST FORWARD: Next week will be busy as usual...still haven't done that paper I was telling you about lol but I'll get it done but we also get to go on a field trip so I'm excited about that. Then the weekend brings my bestie's bday fun!!!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
My Bucket
If I had a bucket
holding onto tears
that bucket would be filled
with the fears
Of a heart heavy
with the depths of the unspoken
Is this right
Is this real
For me to love with all my might
To hold on to and grasp at a dream
And looking back on this circle
My mind can barely hold together the seams
True love is never supposed to fail
The audacity of you to change the rules
Is there a condition to your love
And to the depths the flames are fueled
For promises are unkept
A closed mouth doesn't get fed
But a heart torn between settling and accepting things
Only allows for sorrow to be shed
Just out of reach of pure and utter bliss
It is here that you find me
with my bucket and my tears
Wondering if I'll ever see
What I saw before it was filled
holding onto tears
that bucket would be filled
with the fears
Of a heart heavy
with the depths of the unspoken
Is this right
Is this real
For me to love with all my might
To hold on to and grasp at a dream
And looking back on this circle
My mind can barely hold together the seams
True love is never supposed to fail
The audacity of you to change the rules
Is there a condition to your love
And to the depths the flames are fueled
For promises are unkept
A closed mouth doesn't get fed
But a heart torn between settling and accepting things
Only allows for sorrow to be shed
Just out of reach of pure and utter bliss
It is here that you find me
with my bucket and my tears
Wondering if I'll ever see
What I saw before it was filled
Friday, July 10, 2009
Fast Forward Friday
So I have an idea i'm blogging to share my adventures with you so every friday I'm gonna attempt to sum up the week with what I did and learned and fast forward to what i'll be up to the next week. I always complain about being super busy so I figure this is a good way for me to embrace that.
This was a crazy week for real I felt like I was gonna explode! My job has definitely been giving me some hard times lately and it came to the point this week when I was about to have an extreme meltdown. It's so funny how life always comes back to actions speak louder than words. Even though I felt unappreciated and pressured I decided to just do what I had to do to get sh** done and get on with my life. TRUST that I wanted to let it be known that I wasn't havin it but bills popped into my head and
I decided not to get fired...lol.
Speaking of actions it amazes me that the actions of others cause us to react on impulse at times to make sure that we protect the all important ego and feelings. It's like when needs aren't being met it's human nature of survival to find the resource to meet that need people included.
School...a thorn in my side and the cacoon to my change...honestly I do love school it's just the fact that this is my career and my perfectionist tendencies are creeping out. I didn't really know if I was being an effective counselor or even helping people but my midterm tape...hell I surprised myself!! I can do this and the passion that I have for it is showing more and more as I continue to look at myself and my life and dealing with my past and living up to my motto of being a better woman than I was yesterday.
Yesterday was fun...I finally forced myself to get out of the house and reward myself
for a job well done. Yea I know I probably should do that more often...don't lecture me! Lol
So lesson learned this week THINK BEFORE REACT! Life may be so much better for everyone if we all tried this...
FAST FORWARD: Next week I gotta grind lots of papers, work, internship...my normal life. All work and no play definitely counting down to vacation!!!
This was a crazy week for real I felt like I was gonna explode! My job has definitely been giving me some hard times lately and it came to the point this week when I was about to have an extreme meltdown. It's so funny how life always comes back to actions speak louder than words. Even though I felt unappreciated and pressured I decided to just do what I had to do to get sh** done and get on with my life. TRUST that I wanted to let it be known that I wasn't havin it but bills popped into my head and
I decided not to get fired...lol.
Speaking of actions it amazes me that the actions of others cause us to react on impulse at times to make sure that we protect the all important ego and feelings. It's like when needs aren't being met it's human nature of survival to find the resource to meet that need people included.
School...a thorn in my side and the cacoon to my change...honestly I do love school it's just the fact that this is my career and my perfectionist tendencies are creeping out. I didn't really know if I was being an effective counselor or even helping people but my midterm tape...hell I surprised myself!! I can do this and the passion that I have for it is showing more and more as I continue to look at myself and my life and dealing with my past and living up to my motto of being a better woman than I was yesterday.
Yesterday was fun...I finally forced myself to get out of the house and reward myself
for a job well done. Yea I know I probably should do that more often...don't lecture me! Lol
So lesson learned this week THINK BEFORE REACT! Life may be so much better for everyone if we all tried this...
FAST FORWARD: Next week I gotta grind lots of papers, work, internship...my normal life. All work and no play definitely counting down to vacation!!!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Lighten Up!!
It has often been said that I am mean, uptight, or too sensitive. Honestly, I just don't feel the need to go around smiling all the time...lol. Anyways the truth is that life has taught me to always be on guard around everything and everybody. The majority of life has been me and my mom against the world and even as an adult it's hard to get rid of that mind set but i mean come on can you blame me???
Think about it....in today's world and society people use you to get what they want and then they decide "ok i've gotten what I want from that person...time to move on". You get tired of being that person's play thing after a while.
Or it's the people that think you are an easy target and that you don't know what the hell is goin on...prime example i love black men but yall seem to think that black women are idiots...reality check boo...majority of the time we know EXACTLY what's goin on we just choose to let you do you boo...but please believe we are taken care of...
It's just so funny to me how the main people that think you are being mean or uptight are the ones doing dirt that think you don't know about it. The main ones that you should be cussin out but you hold your tongue. The main ones that you just have to keep at a distance and keep it movin.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
To the future and beyond...
So...these are my babies! My brother and sister graduates 2009! I am so proud of them so proud that in fact I cried at my brother's graduation...lol. It's been a long road for both of them but they finally did it! I expect nothing but greatness and wish them many many blessing and success in the future...
There they go...a future teacher and a future psychologist...I hope that we have taught them and given them all the tools they need to conquer the obstacles that lay before them. Love you bubba and sissy...Mann I'm getting old!
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